Shit. I knew I shouldn't've had that first Tequila Sunrise. After that it got far too easy. And we were not in a place where easy drinks were a positive thing.

A Kareoke bar. How in the hell did Derek and I end up in a friggin' Kareoke bar?

Well, the actual story is boring. It came up in conversation that we wanted to go out and see at least a little "local color". For some reason I can't quite fathom, "local color" equaled "kareoke bar" to the chick at the front desk of the hotel. I think the bitch snickered after we left.

Right. Send the musicians to musician hell. Must be quite a laugh for them. We probably provided the "color" for her.

And man, if we provided it for her, we brought down the house at the bar. I don't know how many Sunrises I had, but let me tell you it was enough to make me forget the Beatles. The Beatles! I was born and bred on the Beatles and I couldn't remember the words to "Come Together" Even when they were right in front of me. Especially when they were right in front of me. It was a sad, sad night.

Funny as all hell, though. Derek and I had a grand old time butchering songs. It felt great to not have to be on top of everything. Screw my vocal coach! Fuck the good advice for saving your throat. Let loose a little.

Of course, now I remember why Kate tells me tea with lemon and honey and to ingest "more water than a human being could actually ingest" and then I'd probably still need more. And to be in bed by 1am. And to rest properly. And to not scream quite the way I did when "Piece of my Heart" came on the monitor. I haven't ventured a spoken word today. Just rockin' in the bus, playing on my laptop when I have a signal and no calls to make/answer.

We were lucky to get away, though. At least I was. Evie and Olivia settled in to talk video games and horror movies with Dear Watson. Evie is totally ass over tit for Logan. I don't have the heart to tell her he's gay. Olivia was depressed for two days after she realized Derek wasn't paying that much attention to her not just because she's my neice and about 10 years too young for him, but also sported a uterus. I have nightmares of Evie going all Joan Cusack on me screaming "is everybody gay?!"

Four more shows...four more shows and they'll be going home and Molly'll be back. Four more shows.

Now I need me some painkillers. Hangover + moving bus = fucking sick.

Tonight was…interesting.

The sound check went over fairly well. “Mighty” was mighty and “What’s My Line?”…well, that one was hard. Like the lost feeling I have. It just echoes that every time I sing it. Maybe I shouldn’t put so many of those unanswered question songs into my setlist anymore. It brings me down so far.

Luckily I have other things to bring me back up, if I let them.

Like the cover I did for the last encore. I asked Derek if he knew the song “Bring Me Some Water” by Melissa Etheridge. He said he did. This whole conversation took place in the span of time it took me to walk on stage before my set. I don’t think he fully grasped what I had in mind, but by the time I drug him and Erik on stage for the last song in my encore set, he was the portrait of with-itness.

The rest of the concert was a blur that I think I’ll write about tomorrow. Depending on if I get any sleep on the fucking bus tonight.

Gotta love the information age when I can type from the backseat of a moving Expedition while I'm on the road to Anaheim. It's nice to be in the car with Olivia, Evie and Sebastian. Lucas had to go back to work for a few days. Wedding preparations are in full swing amongst the girls. Evie and Olivia are getting upset that they're gonna miss the wedding, so we're devising ways for them to come stay with their Aunt Maddie sometime around February 14th, which is when they've set the day for. Ah. Getting married in New York on Valentine's Day. Makes me think...

But I can't get too ahead of myself. I started doing that with Quinn and we all know where that went. It'd be a cold day in hell before she and I get married now, even though I still have the clippings of what she would wear and what I would wear and the travel guides for our honeymoon...

I do have Charlotte, but I will not even begin to be one of those lesbians who brings a U-haul on the second date. I mean, it's been, what? Three months? Less than...I don't even know and see, that's bad. This is, by all accounts, my quintessential rebound relationship but I don't want it to be that. Charlotte is wonderful and lovely and spirited and gorgeous and wow, why do I sound like I'm describing a horse?

It's all this damn time away from her. We just got into the seeing each other vibe and I had to leave for this tour. This may not be the best time for starting a new relationship...I should see if JJ and Emma remember the rockin' cover we did of "Faithfully". I could churn that one out. Maybe in Anaheim. We shall see. I think I'm gonna call....oooh, she's online!

WEll, the second night wasn't as horrible as it coulda been.

I had to rework the setlist because last night I realized how depressing the latter half was. I really wanted to end on a stronger, happier note than the whole Train Wreck/Making Me/Stung triad of tears I had originally planned.

I mean, cause when I first wrote this, three months ago, I was knee deep in Quinn withdrawal. But I had it done, didn't think I had to worry about it. Everyone knew what they were doing. I mean they can all do any of my songs, some better than others, but still. I just figured, for ease of transitioning into touring again, just keep things status quo.

Well, fuck that!

I have a lot of sad songs and many are popular. I'll get lynched if I don't sing "Ashes in the Dark" or "What's My Line?", but dammit, I've got lots of other material to make that the before instead of the after.

So I reworked the "ending" songs, and stuck "Making Me" and "Stung" up further between the more whimsical "Calliope" (or as whimsical as I can be called) and the stronger, more independent "Love Me Less" and replaced them with Pat Benatar's all-out rocking "All Fired Up" and the semi-sanctimonious, yet ever hopeful "High Water". In a line with "AFOG", "Slow Forward", and "Small Fire" it makes for a pretty damn good foundation for the crescendo of "Mighty", "Forever Now" and "Breaking Gravity".

Or so I thought. Until we lost a lighting guy. The cues had to be reworked, and some of the setlist. Luckily, the latter half of the show could remain in tact. I opened with blue/white for some of the slower, sadder songs, went to blue/green for "You Can't Always Get What You Want" (which the crowd loved. I love that song. And I think we do a damn good version of it. Mick called and complimented me on it after I sent him the CD when it came out. How fucking cool is that?! A Rolling Stone called me!

Anyway, my head is pounding or else I'd remember more from tonight...damn migraines. I hope Kessa packed my Imitrex.

I do know that I closed with a red/blue set that made for a rich, rocking red/purple/blue light. Perfect for "Forever Now" and "Breaking Gravity", not to mention when the screen behind me playing the shooting starburst sequence, it all just came together. There was supposed to be more complicated lighting, but we went with what we had and it worked well.

The crowd loved that I did "Scorpion Song" as an encore. Probably the last thing they were expecting. Honestly, it was one of the last things I was expecting. But I had to put something in when I took out "Train Wreck" (cause there's a happy track). And "Scorpion Song" is so much fun to play. JJ and I were all kinds of jamming.

Fuck. I need my Imitrex now. Thank fucking Christ that I'm not on tomorrow night...

Christ, Olivia and Evie are going to be here for the next nine shows. Why did I think this was a good idea? Of course, Kessa is being wonderful. She's already arranged day trip outtings for them while I've got interviews and soundchecks. Sebastian and Lucas, when they're not asking me what kind of flowers they should have or if they should have live entertainment or a DJ and if I know anyone who'd be willing to do it, are also being wonderful. The girls love wedding shopping with Uncie Sebastian and Aunt Lucas. Or is that the other way around? Anyway, the rest of the band is looking out for them. But still, I feel bad that I can't spend as much time with them as I'd like to.

However, they don't seem too worse for the wear. They love Dear Watson, and Olivia is absolutely head over heals for Derek. And it's amazing to them that they can have just about anything they ask for because I'm spoiling them rotten. Luckily, they're well-behaved girls so they're not quite taking advantage of it yet. But their CD collections have increased two-fold, each of them has at least three new outfits (including my new tour T-shirt) and I'm getting them both iPods for their birthday present. I'm such a good aunt. Avery and Jacob are gonna hate me, though. Well, at least Avery is. God forbid Olivia should have any fun. But I won't bitch about my sister now. I can't bitch about my sister now. I have a phone interview in 20 minutes and then I have to make it over to the theater for the soundcheck.

Goddamn, what a rush!

I love opening night. The sound of applause greeting me before I even hit the stage, thundering through the walls, down to the dressing rooms. The sea of screaming faces, the energy is fucking...wow!

But damn, I'm exhausted.

Kessa woke me at noon, as requested. Or rather, Noelle woke me at noon by rubbing my feet till I was awake. I'm in heaven. A queen-sized canpoy bed, jersey cotton sheets (by special request) and a fucking hot red-head massaging me awake. When Kessa brought in my Blood Orange-Lingonberry smoothie packed with my vitamin cocktail, I swear, I almost saw Christ.

I said nothing for the intervening 2 and a half hours, (as per Kate's orders) before we went over to the theater for sound checks, but luckily, Noelle made the time pass rather quickly so I didn't mind. I hate vocal rests. I understand the neccesity, I just can't quite shut up sometimes.

At 2:30, Kate, Kessa, Grace and the band and I met up with Derek and his people to head over to the the theater.

We got there just in time to hear Dear Watson do a song or two. It's really cool to see them do this mournfully cheerful cover of "Johnny Angel." I wonder if Shelley Fabares has heard it. It's musically complex, with the cello and xylophone and it all comes together beautifully, if not a tad disturbing. But I think that could be the point.

Derek did his two songs and I have to admit, Dex was quite impressive for filling in so last minute.

Unfortunately, I had no one to impressively jump in for Molly, as Kate basically vetoed her singing for the next two weeks. I am so pissed, but what sucks is that I have no one to be angry at. Kate is just doing her job and Molly isn't to blame for getting sick. Maybe just myself, for thinking I could actually send her onstage after just getting over strep.

Most of the songs can be rearranged quickly between Robin and I, but I'm really mourning not being able to open with that tri-vocal harmony on "High Water". I mean, I still opened with it, but it was only me and Robin in a simpler, more bare-bones harmony and since "Water" is such a power-anthem, I really counted on it to set the tone of a kick-ass set. Which the crowd still loved, but I was slightly disappointed. Molly was sent home to rest and really recouperate, on strict vocal rest until the 11th, where she'll meet us for the start of the week in the Lonestar state.

The rest of the show was pretty kickass, though. When I was creating the setlist for tonight, I realized how many sad and/or slow songs I have. Granted they're pretty popular ("Ashes", "Velvet Line", "Love Me Less", "Making Me", "Stung", "After the Cut") but still, Quinn taking my heart and smashing it into little tiny bits has spanned four records. And thing is, two months ago, I would've reveled in a setlist that highlighted the painful songs, slow and fast. A setlist that included "Half of New York" a thinly veiled dig at the pool of people that pranced in and out of her bed...before we broke up, "Maybe Next Time", my sad, teary-eyed failure at optimism, "Love Me Less", my early attempt to get angry...nearly all of "Reformed" was Quinn motivated if not well-executed. SO I really coulda loaded the setlist with mournful, angry songs. They woulda been angsty, rocking songs or power ballads and the fans woulda liked it. I mean, Melissa's first few albums weren't exactly uppers. In fact, almost all of her songs before "Lucky" were powerfully depressing. Awesomely crafted songs the fans ate up and it built her career, but still, pretty damn depressing. I mean, her debut album? Shoulda come with a straight razor or a glock. At least "Breaking Gravity" had some of the new, fun, full-of-love feelings from before Quinn tore out my heart.

Anyway, since a month or so ago, for some Charlotte-named reason, I've been working on a different setlist. I totally revised my basic setlist. "You Lied" came off in favor of "Guardian", "Half of New York" was dropped for a cover of Melissa's "Testify", and "Dear Dark" was struck in favor of "Mighty". ANd I wound up with a really coherent, fairly upbeat setlist.

We opened with "High Water" because that is just so...lifting. And fun. Which sequed quite well into "Shell", which is a pretty powerful anthem in and of itself. Michael, Darby and Emerson transitioned that wonderfully into the rocking romp of cunnilingus that is "Southbound". I saw Olivia's eyes get a bit wider while her younger cousin was just bopping next to her in the front row. I guess Liv just got an earful of poetic sapphistry. I actually hope she doesn't turn out to be gay...I'd never hear the end of it from Avery.

After that I talked a bit about my break up, nothing too specific, and how when someone leaves you that way it can raise so many questions in your mind....which was the perfect segue to "What's My Line?" which led well into "Would You Believe Me?" and the piano arrangement for the end of "Believe Me?" lends itself quite naturally to "Ashes in the Dark" so we went there. And the crowd, as they say, went wild. There's something about the tiny ripple that goes through a crowd when you play a fan favorite...like "Cake & Vodka", but fuck! The applause that comes from playing a really wildly-known song is just so...rewarding. It's like..."yeah, that's what I'm here for. That love, that appreciation...I created something and these people like it...love it." It's so filling and so humbling. It's at those times on stage that I feel the most cocky and the most thankful. Weird.

Anyway, after that, we had some fun with "Cake & Vodka". I lolled it about and Rivka, Emerson, Michael, and Darby just let it flow with me. Made a four and change minute song into 6 and a half. It happens. The crowd ate it up, no pun intended. "Bliss" followed, with some talking about letting your creativity shine and not to quench it for anyone which led into "Calliope" and for some odd reason, Del Shannon's "Runaway". The front row thought that was pretty damn cool.

"Everyone" and "Velvet Line" were next, but I can't really recall anything too stand out about them. "Guardian" was supposed to be another lush tri-vocal harmony between me, Molly and Robin, but Robin and I worked out a simpler arrangement before the show. It was okay, and I launched right into "Testify" and just tore that song apart. I couldn't stop having this juxtaposition of Quinn and Charlotte in my mind...like, I've been through all this shit, but dammit, "my love still lives and breathes".

After that, the heaviness set in. "Working at Weakness", "AFOG" (while a peppy song, can be quite a sardonic downer), the especially true "You Can't Always Get What You Want", and then "Train Wreck". Really, it went over oikay, but for me....it was just far too an emotional line up...I need to change that around a little. "Making Me" did little to help lighten things for me, as did "Stung" but by the time "Wonder" came around and the Encores...I was better. And how could I be anything but sky-high doing a medley of "Slow Forward" (with it's deceptively oxymoronic title), "Mighty" which is just ass kicking and uplifting and then finally, of course, bringing it all back to the beginning with "Breaking Gravity".

I can't stop this full breathe in and then happily exhaling.

I bowed and thanked everyone, grabbed my final full bottle of water from under the stool and exited stage left. Fucking awesome. Fucking tired. Fucking hungry. Fucking backstage passes! Right. So I met with the 20 people who'd won passes to the show, and signed everything they asked me to sign. Some people meet their fans and fan club members before the show, but I like to have my quiet time and I find even though I'm tired, after a show I'm usually much happier and more willing to see talk to people than before.

But after the meets and greets, food was acquired by Derek, Dear Watson, my neices, Sebastian, Lucas, Grace, Kessa, and some other people I'm only learning the names of.

All in all, a really awesome night.

Highlights:

My neices screaming at how awesome the show was. Olivia is officially in love with Derek. Evie is erring more towards Logan from Dear Watson.

The traditional well-wishing calls from my parents and my siblings (minus, of course, Avery).

The 3 dozen black roses accented with lillies bouquet that was delivered from Charlotte.

The lack of a pair of panties in an envelope.

Well, the space looks good. The theatre's a great size, quite lovely to be in. I get good vibes from the stage and the staff seems cordial, which is a bonus. Might have something to do with Derek and I selling out both dates. The real test is if they get the rider right. I mean, it's not like I ask for much. Citrus and vanilla candles, something to light them with, a metric ton of water, fresh flowers and a couch. If Cher can ask for a separate room for her wigs and Van Halen can have all the brown M&M's removed from their bowl of candy, I can get some candles, some water, some flowers and a nice place to sit.

Anyway, Joey and Bond looked into some security issues and reported back that El Rey's security staff was very co-operative and everything was taken care of promptly. All good on that front.

Saw Derek tonight. That boy's too gorgeous to be allowed. The hair, the body, the voice. And he's so sweet, looking very nonchalant. But every once in a while, I saw him looking out onto the sea of seats and his eyes would glaze over with and adorable combination of awe, fear and excitement. I remember those days. The first time I was on stage at Madison Square Garden was quite possibly the most overwhelmingly awesome moments in my life. How in the hell did that get to be six years ago?

Dear Watson are far more ebullient about the newness and vastness of everything. They practically ooze goth elation when they first got on stage. Is that an oxymoron? Huge eyes, exclamations, hugs, tears...you name it. Except for the one girl...Mia. She really the quiet type and just stood at the end of the stage, looking out, and...smiling. I really like that whole band. Kieran, the completely adorable lead singer trying unsuccessfully not to make eyes at Derek all night while their violinist, Jude kept trying to nudge Derek in Kieran's direction. Their female lead, Nik...holy shit. I did my best not to gawk when I met her, but that girl's hips are killer. And her voice...I haven't heard her sing in person yet, but just the way she said "pleased to meet you..." was bed-worthy. Yup. It's going to be an interesting tour, she says with a firmly placed internal smirk. I'm really glad they're touring with us. Although I don't quite understand the mix of music we're all presenting, I think in some bizarre way, it works. Can't say we don't give our fans a full show. We go from 50's and 60's orchestral gothrock to techno pop dance rock to folky progressive fem poprock.

Molly's here, on gestapo-enforced vocal rest till tomorrow night because her voice, while it seems to be recovering nicely, is still in danger. Odds are she'll be able to perform, but there's always that chance...

Now, it's just time to wait.

The girls are staying with Uncle Sebastian and Auntie Lucas tonight so Kessa and I can make sure we've got everything in order, mentally and such. She's so good to me; when we got back from dinner after the walk-through she introduced me to my personal massage therpist, Noelle. Fucking gorgeous. Ass-length red curly hair, vibrant green eyes, and hands from god. Damn, I love being on tour.

So, we flew into LAX outta SLC and now we're onto BED. Or at least I am. Man, these kids are wearing the shit outta me. Sebastian and Lucas actually expect me to prepare the wedding during the tour. I love him, but fuck! I can barely get my setlist together and we open on Saturday!

Luckily, right now, my neices are settling into bed, Sebastian and Lucas are in their own room and I have a few minutes of quiet.

And so far, Quinn hasn't sent me the traditional "tour kick off" present. She did it for the last three tours...

Wait. I have Charlotte. I really like Charlotte.

I will now stop thinking of Quinn and totally inappropriate presents right now.

Christ, we fly out to L.A. tomorrow...

How is this possible? The tour starts in three days adn I feel like I need another month. And what's crazy is that I was so ready for this tour. So ready for the change, the break, the catharsis.

Now, all I want it to spend some more time with my neices and to curl into bed with Charlotte.

We haven't gotten there...yet. To the bed stage. There's been lots of cuddling, kissing, making out, but it hasn't lasted too long because my phone always rings or I have to fly somewhere to pick someone up or I have a meeting or an interview. All the things I wanted are now driving me nuts.

Why couldn't I still be pining for...omigod. For half a second, I forgot Quinn's name!?

What the hell is happening and why is happening so fast?

But it's good. I have to remind myself it's good. The band is ready, the venues are ready, the promo stuff is ready, Derek is ready, Dear Watson's ready. The only thing that's up in the air is Molly and even she thinks everything'll be okay. She's on strict vocal rest, no talking, no singing, no nothing. And she'll be in L.A. on Thursday...it's all coming together...I just wish sometimes it was coming more slowly.


Arright, I'm gonna stop complaining and go play in the pool with my neices and my best friend and his fiancee. Even if I am still pissed he didn't tell me he was proposing right before my goddamn tour!

Things to remember...

1) I'm an ass.

Do you wanna know where the bag was when I was barely succeeding in not yelling at Kessa for losing it?

Next to my bed.

Wow, this tour is gonna be crazy.